NARRATOR 6: Five reasons why Queenie should go to Canada to continue her Quest

Well, boys and girls, we’ve completed our task. Well the first part anyways. Two instalments of NARRATOR up and off. Now we just have to find a couple of heroes for our top ten. I think we may leave Franks till next week.

1. Canadian society does not revolve around alcohol

Queenie never, ever thought she would hear herself say this, but she is tired of going to the pub. It started with the smoking ban. Having to hoist herself unsteadily to her feet and step out into the bitter night air in order to feed her habit is annoying. It reminds Queenie that she is an addict. And most importantly, each ten-minute period of being hassled or ignored by the assembled male smokers reminds Queenie that single Irish blokes are the most annoying tribe on the planet. Bar those Pakistani blokes who think it’s okay to gang rape young women as punishment for the sins of their brothers.

Alcohol is expensive and not compatible with driving. Which means a taxi fare on top of the alcohol. And the cost of running a car she doesn’t drive. Or drinking expensive water all night and finding her companions increasingly irritating as they get drunk.

Queenie would love to see her lovely friends in other contexts – eating out, walking, in each others houses, even playing bowls at a Leisureplex, for chrissakes. But she labours under that peculiarly Irish ennui that results in all social interaction taking place in a pub, rather than try something new. Maybe a year in Canada would knock it on the head.

Better stay away from Newfoundland for sure...

2. Queenie might get a date in Canada

Okay, Queenie is going to shout this out now. Yes, yes, yes, one of the reasons she is thinking of emigrating is because she CANNOT get a date in this godforsaken man desert of a town. She has spent the last three years trying to figure out why. There are several possibilities:

- There is something wrong with Queenie that men can spot that she can’t. Or she did something to a bloke once that is karmically kicking back onto her now. Don’t ask me, I’m a conniving manslut, and anyway, if I was straight I’d fancy you - NARRATOR

- All the good men are taken. If this is the case then Queenie wishes they’d all hurry up and get divorced. And turn – NARRATOR

- Queenie spends too much time in the pub, where it is nigh on impossible to meet a nice bloke (but quite easy to meet a crappy one who’ll do for the night and then you don’t have to worry about remembering their name). And you call me a conniving manslut! Harlot – NARRATOR. It was only the once – Queenie

- Queenie’s Alpha personality intimidates the bejaysus out of the average Irish single male. Yes, she did say Alpha personality. No, she’s not being arrogant, she’s being Alpha. Fuck off if you don’t like it. Queenie simultaneously makes and proves her own point - NARRATOR

Apparently, people in Canada ask other people out on things called dates. They don’t stare at them for eight months across a crowded smoking area and then lunge at them one night when they’re paralytic.

According to one of Queenie’s sources, Newfoundland’s a good bet.

3. Queenie is a nicer person when she is not in Ireland

This is a revelation that crept up on Queenie when she was travelling in recent years. When she’s abroad, Queenie turns into this funny, relaxed person who doesn’t rant about the health service until her friends’ eyes glaze over with boredom.

Of course, if Queenie was to be totally honest with herself (no easy thing for an Alpha female she’ll have you know), having a captive audience of bored overlanders is manna for Queenie’s neuroses and insatiable need for attention, and it might not be the same in Canada, where people are funny and relaxed generally and have better things to do than listen to her rant on in her stupid Irish accent.

But it’s worth a shot.

4. Queenie might be able to change career direction in Canada

One of the nice things about living in a small country is that Queenie can get on pretty handily in a little pond. And she is very proud of what she’s done to date. And not a little grateful for all the breaks she’s had. She’s not dissin’ on anyone here, oh no.

The problem is that the pond, being an eco-system, is quite tribal, or cliquey. Once a little fishy aligns herself with a particular breed of fish, career-wise, all the other fish only see the markings on her skin, and tend not to see, or even want to see, the underlying common characteristics all fish share.

So, if Queenie swam across the big ocean and lived in a newer, bigger, colder, fresher pond for a while, her new environment might change her markings and she could come home and change direction.

This one is a long shot, Queenie reckons.

This learning hit Queenie over the head with a thump a few days ago when she talked to one of her favourite academics and he said with not a little exasperation “What is it about you Irish that you have to go abroad to re-invent yourselves?”

Queenie said she’d make sure and tell him when she came back, if he hadn’t gone home to Australia by then, Professor Kettle!!

5. Queenie’s emotional baggage regarding her last, failed relationship might get sent to Alaska by mistake. Which would be NO BAD THING

Queenie doesn’t mind admitting that this one has her stumped. It’s not like he’s worth a whit of her time or head space. Actually, he doesn’t take up any of that anymore. It’s the sense of failure that gnaws at her still. The joys of being a perfectionist.